IMG_2633-72-400Somewhere in Brussels, there used to be a guy in a lab coat whose job it was to measure and determine what the “appropriate” curvature of a cucumber should be if it was going to be sold and eaten in the EU. I’m not sure exactly how that holds up in casual ice-breaking conversation, but I’m sure, in the end, he did his mum proud. In case you were wondering, Commission Regulation (EC) No. 1677/88 stated that Class I and Extra Class cucumbers were allowed a bend of 10mm per 10cm of length, and Class II cucumbers were allowed twice as much bend. Screw the fact that a weird misshapen cucumber might taste great, up until recently the EU was more concerned with how a fruit or vegetable looked. As of July 1st, these ridiculous “ugly duckling” regulations have thankfully been fed to the lions, but guys, what the hell were you smoking?

Here I was thinking that Americans were obsessed with the way their food looked, but man was I underestimating the rest of this populated universe. Take, for instance, the tomato. Because so many consumers in the US are obsessed with a perfectly rounded, beautiful, unbruised red tomato, growers ship out green, unripe tomatoes and spray them with ethylene gas so they give the appearance of a gorgeous vine-ripened tomato. They taste terrible, but apparently taste is secondary—it’s FOOD for Christ’s sake! Same goes with oranges that are injected with a synthetic orange dye to make them look more appealing in grocery store departments. But all that is the fault of idiot consumers—not government—who are so concerned with aesthetics that they’re willing to sacrifice taste. It’s a simple matter of supply and demand. The EU, however, is another matter.

Up until recently, retailers tiptoed around a 100-page document that provided legislation on the shape, size and texture of fruit and vegetables. Curvy cucumbers? Chuck ‘em. Knobby carrots? Dump ‘em. Bumpy watermelons? Forget ‘em. These guys would’ve gone into convulsions had they ever set eyes on an heirloom tomato! Tons of fruits and veggies got tossed simply because they were the wrong shape. Sure the legislation is now dying, but don’t start the fanfare yet, ‘cuz tomatoes, lettuces, lemons, limes and apples will still be covered by the regulations. Why? Because “the continued segregation of deformed citrus fruits was a compromise reached…in order to avoid a qualified majority of votes against deregulation.” What the fuck? I want to know which members of the European Commission were sitting there with their arms folded, shaking their heads, saying, “We’ll give you cucumbers, but you have to let us keep the clause about segregating deformed citrus.” And what’s the politically correct term for deformed citrus, anyway, aesthetically challenged? Gimme a break.

Tim Down, a fruit and veggie wholesaler from Bristol, UK, flipped out last month when he was forced to throw away 520 Chilean kiwis after being told by the Rural Payments Agency that they did not meet industry standards. The problem? Some of the kiwis weighed up to four grams less than the stipulated 62g. For those that don’t do metrics, 4 grams is just over a tenth of an ounce. Didn’t matter whether or not the kiwis were delicious. I guess, in the immortal words of Fernando, “It’s better to look good than to…err…taste good.”